Hey, hi, it’s me…

It’s probably been literally years since I’ve written on this blog and it’s honestly crazy to think about. I remember a time post college and before mom life where this website was the absolute number one thing of importance to me…and so was writing. Somewhere along the way, which I’m sure most moms would concur with, I stopped. I stopped writing, and to be honest I think I motioned more towards spending endless amounts on social media posts to “stand out” But not only that, I’d go as far to say I also stopped being myself.

The truth is, when you become a mom something completely changes in you. It’s not necessarily understandable, unless you’ve become a mom yourself or had some large event in your life that completely changed you from the inside out. I remember being pregnant (first trimester) and saying I’m going to walk everyday and be in better shape when I have this baby than before I was even pregnant. The jokes on me because almost 5 years later here I am, engulfed with back pain and to be honest, not really sure who I am or what I’m doing.

I read all of these posts from moms before me saying they lost themselves in motherhood but probably after a year they reconnected with who they were and blah blah blah. Sorry other moms but here I am, again, almost 5 years later, and I’m still not me, I’m still not there. I don’t really know where everything went “wrong” for me. Maybe it was going through traumatic family events, maybe it was losing a close friend from college, maybe it was overworking myself or trying to be “perfect” in my relationship. Nonetheless, here I am.

The reason I’m here, being blatantly honest on the internet, is because of something truly other worldly. The other day I looked into canceling this website, I looked into costs, and as I called support to cancel I sat on the phone with a toddler under my desk and a cat on my lap and after 10 minutes I gave up. Yes, I know, many others would have waited the 50 minutes but I gave up. That’s me, I know that’s something that’s me and who I am. My attention span is short and I couldn’t last much longer.

Anyways, a few days later I sat at 6am on the shower floor, wondering when there would be a change in my life. I pondered the thought of “Who is Shelby?”, “What does she want?”: Out of nowhere I was met with a thought in a voice other than myself saying that “writing will bring you back to yourself”. Maybe it’s not other worldly or religious to some, but for the first time in 5+ years I felt a peace in that. 

I want to show up for myself. Writing makes me feel that way, writing makes me connect to today, to this moment, to working through my emotions and leaning into who I am. So if you made it to the end of this, thank you. Thank you for reading, and listening. I’m here and I’m not only going to show up for myself, I’m going to show up for you too. I hope together, we can find ourselves again.

Love,

Shelby